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What Its Like To Lose The Love Of Your Life—And To Find Your Way Back From Griefvar  

After my husband, Gregg, passed away in his sleep 6 years ago, I continued to work and take care of my kids, but inside I was crumbling. My world had been a lovely cliché: Gregg and I had been happily married for 16 years and were raising two healthy children, our 14-year-old daughter and 11-year-old son. But the blood clot that entered his lungs and took his life tore my world apart. Instead of hitting the gym every morning—something I'd loved to do ever since I was a teenager—I lay in bed crying. Panic attacks would hit out of nowhere, causing my heart to pound and pain to fill my chest. Friends and family said I was experiencing post-traumatic stress. I thought I was dying.

Photographs by James Elliot Bailey

To deal with the anxiety, I started meditating and joined a book club for widows. I was finally able to talk with others who understood what I was going through. Not only did this validate my emotions and help me start to heal, but participating also gave me a wake-up call. The meetings were posted online so other women could watch remotely. One day I caught a glimpse of myself on camera, and I couldn't believe the woman on the screen was me. My shoulders were rounded. My eyes were dull. I'd packed on 30 pounds.

In that moment, I realized that I didn't want to die with Gregg. I began using my meditation to visualize a new life for myself. For 30 minutes, I'd stop thinking about Gregg or the children and focus on what I wanted: to feel happy, healthy, and loved again.

It had been more than a year since I'd exercised regularly, but I finally started working out again. There were many runs when my sweat would mix with tears, and I began using workout classes to burn off my anger instead of eating through the pain. Within a year, I dropped 50 pounds.

The true difference, though, was internal. I felt a lightness, and I slowly started to imagine the possibility of someone else. I'd enjoyed being married and wanted to find love again.

Today my hope to feel happy, safe, and loved again is no longer a dream. About a year after I lost the weight, life led me to a wonderful man. And his name, if you can believe it, is Greg.

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